itsvondell:

if i die tonight it’s because i ate 3 calcium supplement gummies instead of the recommended 2 and my bones got too strong and wild and left my weak body to find a better one

@7 hours ago with 148527 notes

rabioheab:

a boy and a girl are sitting together on a bench after a romantic date. “can i kiss you?” the boy says. the girl nods and the boy pulls out black and white face paint and starts putting it on her face. “you’re going to be gene simmons” he whispers.

@7 hours ago with 169239 notes

heckacute:

I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now. I’m busy cutting open Fruit Gushers and squeezing all of the goo into a glass so I can take a shot of it because that has always been a dream of mine and now that I’m an adult with a job, I finally have the means to make it a reality. Please leave your name and number after the beep. 

@7 hours ago with 85064 notes

souschen:

i think instead of the woman taking her husband’s name when they get married or doing the hyphenated thing

couples should just smash their last names together

so like if a Smith married a Grabowski you could be Smabowski or Grabith or Grasmithski

and then as the generations go on the names just get more and more ridiculous

@7 hours ago with 299421 notes

ravkan:

equalistmako:

ravkan:

equalistmako:

I JUST GOT ALL FLUSTERED AND FORGOT HOW TO PRONOUNCE WORDS AND ENDED UP ORDERING A “CHICKEN QUESADILDO”

"heres ur order m’am"

image

the fact that you can look at “dildo” and think “armadillo" is one of the most innocent things I’ve ever seen in my life

I THOUGHT IT SAID DILLO I FUCKED UP I FUCKED UP I FUCKED UP

(via afirethatwillneverburn)

@8 hours ago with 76151 notes

mosellegreen:

alegbra:

have you ever gotten to that certain point in the school year where you just

image

Ah, yes. The second day.

(via thefuuuucomics)

@1 month ago with 596107 notes

ammit420:

"tell us about your tattoos"

"ok well first off here is the 420 tombstone on my leg which symbolizes me smoking weed until i die"

(via failbag)

@1 month ago with 45535 notes

imjust-kyian:

scroturn:

i get really offended when someone doesnt sit next to me but im also relieved they didnt sit next to me

this is the most accurate thing i’ve ever read

(via dutchster)

@7 hours ago with 571293 notes

gossipgandhi:

i came into this world covered in someone else’s blood and screaming and lemme tell you i’m not afraid to leave it the same way

(Source: neptunain, via dutchster)

@7 hours ago with 412640 notes

digivolvin:

whenever you’re in a situation where you need motivation just whisper “give ‘em the old razzle dazzle” to yourself and proceed to give ‘em the old razzle dazzle.

@7 hours ago with 230275 notes

counterintuitivefangirl:

quazza:

what if bodies just had random errors like computers do

you go to receive your starbucks coffee and accidentally punch the barrista in the face then shit on the floor

What kind of fucking computer errors are you getting?

(via tardis-mind-palace)

@7 hours ago with 351911 notes

thebaconsandwichofregret:

kimbbearly:

why dont humans have a specific noise that means “there are bees here lets leave immediately” why are elephants more advanced than us

we do have a specific noise, it sounds like this:

“there are bees here lets leave immediately”

(Source: kimbbearlyold, via almaasi)

@8 hours ago with 191156 notes

ignitionremix:

it’s a beautiful day to give me money

(via pagingme)

@1 month ago with 477687 notes
unamusedsloth:

"GET. ME. OFF!"

unamusedsloth:

"GET. ME. OFF!"

(via teen-derp)

@1 month ago with 2973 notes